Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just picked some lettuce out a sandwich and then added a cheese slice. If anyone wants the recipe, let me know.

   Hey guys walking the dog with a plastic bag of its $hit. How does it feel being third in command in your own house?

   Single Awareness Day ..... it's a S.A.D. day

   So you guys heard about this MySpace thing?

   Its so cold out today that I brought our snowman in the house to warm up ..

   I'm 32 years old and I finally slept with my highschool crush. But now she expects me to go to her graduation.

   So... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics? Mind blown!

   On a day like Valentine's Day, some of the most dispiriting things single people can endure are the possibility of eternal solitude, questioning your own desirability, and worst of all, realizing the snap you just received is from Team Snapchat.

   I think the cats are hording all the single women out there... Happy Valentines Day everyone

   What rhymes with Cupid?

   Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine's Day.

   Pants...Why? What for?

   The hardest part about mopping up wine with your cat is wringing that motherfcuker out.

   Tell me more about your pillow forts, is there a bar inside?

   Stupid cats stealing all our women.

   Hi! Welcome to T witter. We're the men and women behind your Facebook friends' funny s tatuses.

   A junk drawer, but for feelings.

   Me crazy? If it wasn't so hard to get back up on this unicorn, I'd so b*tch-slap you

   I used to care but I take a pill for that now.

   Valentine's Day is for losers so don't get me anything, I say as I lovingly kiss my boyfriend and he says nothing because cats don't talk.