Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I'd be doing a ton of spontaneous s3xual favors for random strangers.

   Memo to self: A Home DNA Testing kit is not a good shower gift.

   If I had a dollar for every time my world was rocked... Hey can I borrow 5 bucks?

   I went down on my girl for the first time ever today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters. Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth. So I went down on her again.

   My life is just one long improvisation.

   Last week my best friend who was Chinese died. I went to China to attend the funeral and pay my respects. When people close to you die, it's weird how you see their face everywhere you look.

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   No thanks speed dating. I'll settle for being awkward one date at a time.

   If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis.

   If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after

   mondays that pretend to be sundays....

   If Charles Manson can get married in prison I should at least be allowed to text at red lights

   I am bored .Think I will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on .

   I can't believe Skelator sold out and is now doing commercials. Oh well, he's still a better pitchman than Michael Bolton.

   Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.

   You may notice white girls wearing black armbands today. As all things pumpkin spice are replaced by all things peppermint.

   So many people born at the end of November. If we had a clubhouse we'd be named "The Valentine's Day Mistakes"

   ♫ Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful ♫

   Enjoy it folks. This is the only day of the year when you can say "Black" all day long and not be called a racist.

   My granddaughter gets up at night and goes to the bathroom all by herself and everyone is so proud. I do that four times a night and nobody says squat.