Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Think someone is pitching "Keeping up with Kanye"? What a Deutche

   Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

   Looking for true love on Tinder is like looking for a Buffalo Bills championship. Good luck.

   My wife looks at me when I'm folding laundry the same way I look at her when she is eating a banana.

   Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year...

   Hey Kanye, can you stop kissing Jay Z and Beyonce's a$$es at every award show? Thx.

   Yes creepy guy at work , we all know what you mean when you talk about eating your wife's fish taco...

   Guys who drink light roast coffee.... Does it bother your wife that she has to be the man in the family?

   If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.

   Sam Smith is a chubby Rick Astley!

   I can't believe Katy Perry's date wasn't Left Shark!

   No thanks feelings, I'll just take the sex.

   "When you grow up and are paying all the bills, then you can make up arbitrary rules about why you get the last slice of bacon" ~ Me, parenting.

   PRO TIP: Vodka doesn't care if you are still wearing pajamas at the dinner table.

   Zuckerberg claims he wears a gray t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things tht don't matter. BTW, he created Facebook.

   Just texted my wife "goodnight sweetheart, I love you" but accidentaly sent it to my boss, which is awkward because he likes to hold my hand in meetings.

   I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.

   To be fair, a dogs butthole might taste fantastic and we've been judging them wrong all these years.

   I'm at my most badass when I'm popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.

   The brighter colord vegetables you buy, the more festive they look in your garbage when you throw them away 2 weeks later.