Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1684 of 6384
Celebrating "Thank-The-Lord-That-Stupid-Brown-Thursday-Black-Friday-Cyber-Monday-Marketing-Crap-Is-Over" Tuesday.
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12-02-2014 15:04
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Only a desperate behind the times can believe in polygamy.
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12-02-2014 13:55
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I don't know why they need a whole month, they get the busiest Friday of the year
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
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12-02-2014 11:50 by SEAN
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When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
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12-02-2014 11:50 by SEAN
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At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can pee all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
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12-02-2014 11:49 by SEAN
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Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
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12-02-2014 11:49 by SEAN
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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12-02-2014 11:48 by SEAN
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Started my post-Thanksgiving cleanse and I just coughed up several feathers and a pecan pie.
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12-02-2014 11:48 by SEAN
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Giving me a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like bringing vitamins to my funeral.
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12-02-2014 11:47 by SEAN
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If you show up at my party with an acoustic guitar, that thing better be filled with onion dip.
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12-02-2014 11:47 by SEAN
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This Taco Bell breakfast taste like I don't get paid till Friday.
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12-02-2014 08:11 by Ro
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It's the Holiday Season; clean your own spunk off her back.
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12-02-2014 05:24 by Dude
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Horror-Scope: Congratulations, you're one day closer to death.
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12-02-2014 01:30
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Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
One thing we can be sure of is Adam was not a doctor. Otherwise, the apple would have kept him away.
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12-02-2014 01:20 by Baddie
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I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
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12-02-2014 00:29
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Ugly ass kids should not be trusted to be left alone with their cute newborn brother or sister with potential. Jealous knows no age.
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12-02-2014 00:15
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Bill Cosby tried to rape my cat about 50 years ago, I just remembered.
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12-02-2014 00:15
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When I was in high school a selfie meant a locked bathroom and a box of kleenex
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12-01-2014 20:26
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