Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In memory of Whitney Houston, all flags should be lowered a crack..

   Bus driver: This is where you get off. Me: What? No foreplay?

   According to Obamacare, they now have to allow you at least 30 minutes of sleep before Brooklyn.

   50 Shades of Gray - A canine biography

   Makeup tip..... You aren't in the circus.

   "I want you to shove it in my mouth and choke me with it" ~ Me, ordering at the Cheesecake Factory

   This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. There, now isn't that better?

   Last night I got more wasted than a Liberal Arts degree

   "When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.

   There are 3 types of people in this world. 1) Those I want to drink with. 2) Those that make me drink. 3) Those I want to throw my drink on.

   My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'

   My phone was cordless until it got smart.

   "Ugh.... life is rough" ... I type on my $600 phone that was made by an 8 year old in a sweat shop.

   I stopped feeling sorry for myself a long time ago. Now I just feel sorry for the people who have to deal with me.

   My life is like a box of chocolates. Only fat people want me.

   Started a new workout program, 50 more "likes" and I'm all done.

   At some point, a guy looked at a berry that was clearly purple and called it a blueberry. AND WE ARE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN!!!!

   "Was the Golf War because Tiger Woods was a bad man? ~ My friends 9 year old daughter. Shout out to home schooling.

   Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

   how many Grammys has Kanye given to a deserving musician? The Answer: 0