Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Million Dollar Idea: An inner-city 24 hour breakfast restaurant named "Malcolm Eggs"

   Since I get so much crap in the mail, I have decided to make my mailbox the trash can.........

   Anyone who invites me to play one of those letter games will get the letters F and U.

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it,I am taping a condom to the window.

   And as I opened the box it dawned on me. It wasn't the hamburger that needed help, it was me...

   CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he's called "beautiful" on Facebook today.

   My salt shaker has been clogged for two years, so don't come to me with your issues.

   “Check under the hood, dumbass.” – The Clitoris

   They only way I'd watch 50 Shades of Grey is if the guy tied up the garbage bag and dominated the dishes.

   WELL WELL WELL, if it isn't the family whose house I've broken into

   Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter.

   So where do I go to trade my husband in for 6 cats?

   I don't get how people get eaten by sharks....I mean how do they not hear the music?

   Now showing exclusively in San Francisco, Santa Monica, Chelsea and Key West. 50 shades of g ay.

   When picking up hookers, you never know what you will get. All you can do is hope for the breast and prepare for the wurst.

   Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook

   Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.

   If the internet was a game show, we'd all be in Japan and have jumper cables clipped to our nuts

   Aparently people don't like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.

   FUN FACT: People who use the phrase "winner winner chicken dinner" got their education at the University of Pheonix