Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I surprised the Avon Lady when I came to the door naked. She was more upset that I knew where she lived.
←Rate | 02-13-2015 15:22 by JM Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some guy just asked me for the time like its 1993 or something.... "Hold tight my good fellow, allow me to fetch my time piece from my pantaloons"
←Rate | 02-13-2015 15:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon WIFE: "Hey hon, you think you can pick the kids of from school?" ME: *takes a sip from 'Worlds Greatest Dad' coffee mug'* "Sure... what school do they go to?"
←Rate | 02-13-2015 15:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Safe to say none of us have any plans on eatinging Eminem's mom's spaghetti?
←Rate | 02-13-2015 13:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye
←Rate | 02-13-2015 13:06 by MWC Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have a habit of breaking into the song "Uptown Funk" every 5 minutes and try to include it in conversations. Don't believe me ? Just watch.
←Rate | 02-13-2015 12:28 by Cicci wan kenobi Comments (0)  


   messageicon Unless the only drama in this relationship is just us out of alcohol, I am indifferent to it.
←Rate | 02-13-2015 11:20 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Since Disney now owns Star Wars and the new one will be out this year, featuring Princess Leia. That would now make her a Disney Princess.
←Rate | 02-13-2015 10:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
←Rate | 02-13-2015 09:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women suck at buying gifts for their man because they spend 95% of their time shopping for themselves.
←Rate | 02-13-2015 09:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This whole Brian Williams things is a great reminder that it never pays to lie. Sent from my Galaxy S7
←Rate | 02-13-2015 09:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "I'd hit that" ~ Old people that drive.
←Rate | 02-13-2015 09:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sex with a balloon animal artist goes down hill pretty quick after he gets the condom on.
←Rate | 02-13-2015 09:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe we could get Obama to take ISIS seriously if we convince him they are behind global warming?
←Rate | 02-13-2015 09:05 Comments (1)  


   messageicon You know you are at a 50 shades of grey movie when instead of handing out 3d glasses they hand out condoms
←Rate | 02-13-2015 08:08 by Tyler Comments (0)  


   messageicon Only 11 minutes of Shade? Save money and go rent Basic Instinct with Sharon Stone instead!
←Rate | 02-12-2015 21:55 by Niltzz Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing
←Rate | 02-12-2015 20:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Omg!!! She said YES!!!! Best Valentine's Day ever!!! Can't believe it!!! She agreed to just order pizza & watch TV on 14th February!!!
←Rate | 02-12-2015 19:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My future wife is probably lying in bed right now texting her man about how they’re gonna be together forever. I think not, see you in five years sweetheart
←Rate | 02-12-2015 15:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.
←Rate | 02-12-2015 14:03 by Mark M Comments (0)  




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