Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   these pretzals are making me thirsty

   People who are cheap and think hiring a professional is expensive should talk to people who chose to hire an amateur.

   Some dude is going to be eaten alive by an Anaconda tonite....BIG DEAL...I was eaten alive by a snake years ago and my lawyer got me out. Sucked dry, but free.

   Hey everybody I'm unique! Just like everybody else on facebook! But please give me validation anyways.

   Still can't believe Skeletor and Stretch Armstrong sold out and started selling cars.....

   16.The year is 2060. iPhone 842 is released. The screen touches you.

   They execute an American or an ally, we go after their sponsors, family, friends, lovers and clerics. Our job is to make terrorism so horrific that is becomes unthinkable to attack Americans and her allies.


   It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

   women say they like tall men but I'm probably at least 6'4 in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet :(

   Hang on, let me change from my home Crocks to my going out Crocks. Then we can go.

   Hang on, let me change from my home flip flops to my going out flip flops. Then we can go.

   Q: What's more disgusting than a hicky on a hemorrhoid? A: The chick that put it there.

   "OK...that Trust Exercise didn't go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let's keep quiet about this...AS A TEAM!"

   How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore

   I went to a diner last night & the waitress asked "is pepsi okay?" I said I don't know!! did something happen?

   So, what are all us fortunate people complaining about today?

   I shot the sheriff and his portraits in the park turned out great. Shooting the deputy tomorrow if weather permits

   cops, just another branch of the American of skin head society

   Stop texting me. If I wanted to see you again I would not have stolen the Honey Baked ham from your fridge

   Found a Jelly Belly in my winter coat from last year. I ate it.