Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had Foo Fighters as Time Magazine's Person of the Year. So close...

   destroying myself to fix you

   Sorry I strangled you when I tried to untangle the Christmas lights.

   How much for the soul mate? Sir, that's a bottle of Vodka.

   ignore me and watch how fast you get cut off and stop existing to me.

   Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff.

   REMEMBER: Fighting terrorists has no rules of engagement. Terrorists cannot be reasoned with. A good terrorist is a dead terrorist. End of story.

   I can't wait until having babies goes out of fashion

   In time for the Holiday, Axe releases 3 new body sprays... 1. Pull My Finger... 2. Bowling shoe... 3. Elf bum

   Don't, under any circumstance, believe I'll return your Tupperware.

   people who have to say "i was being sarcastic" should stop trying to be something they are not good at.

   Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don't go outside.

   "There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor

   Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.

   OK. So we tortured a bunch of terrorists. Big Whoop. How many of us have they killed?

   Hay girls! Not getting to swallow is like dropping your ice cream cone.

   Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

   I saw a sign that said "falling rocks", so I tried and it doesn’t.

   Excuse me Miss, but your new hairstyle is making everyone uncomfortable.

   The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.