Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her"; you mean she's a booty for me now?!

   Time magazine has named “Ebola Fighters” the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, "Oh no, we'll just mail them to you."

   Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

   My brain must think sleep= death... every time I try to fall asleep, my life flashes before my eyes. Well, the embarrassing bits, anyways.

   I'm the avocado of people. While you wait and wait for me to mature enough to be enjoyable, I sneakily transition into a disgusting mess.

   George Lucas claims to have not seen the new Star Wars trailer. How many of us wish we could say that about the Phantom Menace?

   I hate being called a heavy drinker so I'm going to start eating less and lose a few pounds.

   Throwback Thursday - A day to go fishing and not keep anything,

   Look who's here! Psst.....hide the liquor.

   Got tasered at speed dating again.

   [wife comes home from work] "why havent you done any of the things I asked you to" [the dog walks past dressed as a policeman] ive been busy

   Sorry I'm late my alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here

   Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.

   the day I stop drinking is the day johny walker stop walking

   Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl's whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.

   McDonald's does not know why sales are lagging. Guess they have not tasted the product.

   Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."

   I don't know why people are so afraid of clowns. They're just murderers with make-up and a horn.

   There's no I in TEAM but if you rearrange the letters you can spell MEAT and EAT M. See, I can turn anything you say into something dirty

   Ever notice how the word "bed" looks like a bed?