Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just gonna wait until this police sketch artist realizes I'm describing him.

   What idiot called it, "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts"?

   Remember when Vanilla Ice said "anything less than the best is a felony?" Its because nothing rhymes with "breaking and entering misdemeanor"

   'All right!!! STOP, COLLABORATE and LISTEN" ~ Vanilla Ice's Attorney.

   I've reached an awkward stage in my life where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hair line of a guy who yells at skateboarders.

   Maybe terrorists hate America because they think Justin Bieber is one of us? You just don't know.

   Just got an Oscar nomination for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"

   The sound a zipper makes is my Pavlovian trigger.

   Tonight I'm getting more wasted than a Liberal Arts degree.

   The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I'm going to drink tonight.

   The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club....

   FACT: your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate

   Breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way.

   If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying

   To make a long story short quit right in the middle

   It's so cold I look forward to getting a fever!

   Look, nobody can tell the sex of your baby, so please either pierce it's ears or draw a mustache on that ambiguous little mother f*cker

   If global warming gets any worse we're all going to freeze to death!

   Playing Trivia Crack. The question was, "What is the irrational fear of elevators? In hindsight Rice-traphobia is obviously wrong.

   Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so aparently my soul mate is still out there.