Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just don't know about all this "elf on shelf" crap. Long before it was popular I was "elf on a milf?, Someone stole my idea.

   Toy dinosaurs are made of plastic. Plastic is made from oil. Oil comes from million-year-old dinosaur remains. So toy dinosaurs are actually made from real dinosaurs.

   All of these couples in the Hallmark Christmas movies that fall in love in a couple of days should have sequels on the Crime Network by Halloween when one of them murders the other one.

   If there are any elves on my shelves I hope they are dusting.

   haven't been this hungover since yesterday

   Happy 12/13/14.

   Does anyone on Facebook ever actually get laid? Asking for me.

   I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.

   When she pulls away, pull her closer. Women are just complicated like that.

   Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".

   I'm white but not "hires someone to hang my Christmas lights" white...

   People don't call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.

   Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

   Dear Santa don't drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!!!

   Kobe is about to pass MJ in points scored. He already leads 1-0 in rapes.

   This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans.

   If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?

   *On a date... And the 3 teardrop tattoos on my cheek represent the times I lost to my brother at Mario Kart.

   HOLIDAY HACK: *Holds finger up, and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been..

   The year is 2170... All fossil fuels are depleted... Our only source for coal is Santa Claus... Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.