Funny Status Messages

   Would someone explain to me why I never see straight women act the same way as gay men? Come on queers, if you want to be a women, act like one, not like a fruitcake.

   How a teenage boy sees food: If there's a lot of something, he won't touch it. If the quantity is limited, he'll eat all of it.

   I don't know about you guys, but I think last nights season premier of Ferguson was pretty good.

   Hillary Clinton is easily the scariest of all the Muppets

   BOSS: I'm going to need you to get your creative juices flowing. ME: Okay, but I'm going to need to watch some porn first.

   Amazon Prime is probably the least threatening of the Transformers.

   I have this tendency of saying stupid things to pretty women, I wonder why?

   I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.

   My super power? forgeting what I’m talking about halfway through a sentence

   Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

   Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?

   Someone taught my Firby to sing Taylor Swift's song "Shake it off", who ever you are...you are pure EVIL.

   I think the hands of time have been molesting me.

   I'm so excited to not hear from you again tomorrow.

   when someone asks me how to get in shape before summer. My response will be, start 6 months ago

   The great tragedy of the cactus is that their arms are always open, eagerly anticipating the hug that will never come.

   Happy dry hump Wednesday for you singles out there. . .

   You had me at 0 mutual friends..

   No Mr. Fifty-Something Rider, clean saddle soaped leathers and a $20,000 Harley don't make you a "Biker" any more than a tutu and a pair of pointe shoes makes me a "Ballerina".

   I. Did. Not. Have. Textual. Relations. With. That. Phone!