Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People that use iPhones are justa bunch of sheep that believe whatever Apple says. *Pulls into church parking lot*

   *Grabs intercom at Chuck E Cheese* SOME OF YOU SHOULD HAVE PULLED OUT!!!!

   Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.

   ATHEISM :The belief that there was nothing then something happened to nothing which magically exploded and then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself for no reason what so ever into self replicating bits which gained conciousness to debate it.

   Nothing ruins a Hump Day like not getting Humped!

   Drink the Kool-Aid, everything will be OK...

   "Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of cats"

   in the latest installment of the rocky series Creed, Rocky fights glaucoma

   "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know" that you're an as$-hole.

   Just saw this chick at the gym do 5 sets of selfies.

   We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.

   Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn't come.

   I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I'd still be in bed sleeping.

   My cell phone battery dies faster than a mother in a Disney movie.

   My friends 13 year old has never heard of CCR and now I've never questioned his parenting more. Only you can prevent Beliebers folks.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know it was a bad idea to set the free.

   Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

   Dear Kellogs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerley, Tired Parents

   I may not be the brightest crayon in the toolshed, but I'm great at analogies.

   CVS Clerk: "Would you like a reciept?" Me: "Sure" *God uses two fingers to slowly close the eyes of an entire rain forest*