Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you're hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo and my hair is super shiny but the neighbors won't like what I just did on their lawn.

   Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.

   I very rarely piss people off but when I do it's usually loud and spectacular

   Yes I am a fan , a huge fan of inappropriate behavior.

   What do normal people do with their time?

   Sorry for drunk texting last night. And this morning. And right now.

   The dress was white and gold until it decided to go on a date with Chris Brown.

   My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

   The best way to solve your relationship problems is to post about them on the internet and let your friends solve them for you.

   A friend of mine drinks their coffee so black, it shot at him. . .

   Ronda Rousey raped me, ok it wasn't rape, I enjoyed it. . .

   My dog says that dress is grey.

   Hi, I hate Rob Lowe, I think about kicking his a$$ every time I see his stupid commercial. . .

   Beginning of relationship- 1) Don’t ever change. 2) You have to change. 3) You’ve changed. -End of relationship-

   The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.

   Devil with the blue dress on...oh wait is that a Gold dress. Well, either way .....the prince of darkness is a cross-dresser.

   I hear Black Sabbath and Blue Oyster Cult are planning a reunion. They're going to call it the White and Gold Tour.

   Brett also got me a pen for my birthday.....He should have splurged and gotten a better one though... I can totally get out of this one....

   I wanna be rich enough to wear a blouse and not look gay in it.