Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Thank GOD everyone agrees on what color traffic lights are!
←Rate | 03-03-2015 14:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Happy birthday to Justin Bieber. Yesterday he turned 21, which means he can be tried as an adult.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 13:45 by Mark M Comments (1)  


   messageicon I was taught to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they wouldn't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice.. then destroy them.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 13:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Vodka and denial is still cheaper than therapy
←Rate | 03-03-2015 13:16 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon Apparently licking a spilled vodka on a conference room table is frown upon.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 12:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't wanna make this weird but that's just kinda how I do things.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 12:23 by Psycho Comments (0)  


   messageicon How many times can you say "aight" before you can consider the job interview bombed.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 12:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Patience, I'm being creepy as fast as I can.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 12:11 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't understand why guys are always wanting their girl to make them a sandwich after sex.... I'd just be happy if they gave me my money back.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 11:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 11:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Swift Justice is just like regular Justice except it will write a song about you when you break up.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 11:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 11:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife and I have been married so long that I no longer think about other women when we have sex, I think about pizza.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 11:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are three gurantees in life. Death, Taxes, and elbow macaroni stays in your cabinet until you move.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 10:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 10:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My dinner just consited of beer and trail mix. Being an adult isn't for everyone.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 10:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Like a good neighbor..... Me and Meyham from Allstate threw a party in your house because you bragged all about your vacation on Facebook.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 10:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It never fails.... I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 10:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My heart says "No", but my erection says, "Shut the hell up, Heart"
←Rate | 03-03-2015 10:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I asked my masseur for a happy ending. She made me a ballon animal and painted my face like Spiderman.
←Rate | 03-03-2015 10:47 Comments (0)  




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