Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman says she is on her period, gets 123 likes.. As a man, I do not understand this.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Because they're not. They're all looking at their phones.

   I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm right and you're wrong.

   I don't want feelings. I just want pizza.

   I don't post pics of my girl and me on social media for a good reason. What if someone calls her ugly and I have to dump her?

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the nearest bartender to get a beer.

   No. Annie is WHITE. You got it all wrong.

   Apprently Screech will stab you to make you screech if you call him "Screech" in a saloon. Now I'm wondering how many Screech fans are in prison who would like to make Screech screech.

   My goal for 2015 is to accomplish the goals of 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I made a promise in 2012 which I planned on keeping back in 2011

   Taken 27 coming to theaters in January 2029.

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. Who needs help being better than just average?

   Trying out a new diet. It's called "hungry as fcuk all the time."

   No, I don't have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.

   5 "Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.

   Have you ever noticed that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it?

   You like flowers, we DON'T! We are happy to buy it for you. Don't make us like flowers.

   Please accept that there are inherent differences b/w M & W. Otherwise we would just be called MEN! OR JUST WOMEN. You are better at somethings & we r better at other things. Accept nature & let it be

   Feminist alright: but excluding opening doors, paying the bill, fight a bully, move furniture, ladies first. If those things aren't done prepare for "oh chivalry is dead & wow, such an Ae-hol!" continued.

   Just tried to check my Farmville for the first time in 2 years, apparently I forgot to pay my taxes and the IRS owns it now.

   FACT: Jargon is lingo for slang