Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you're under oath

   I’m glad they have a holiday to honor Neil PATRICK Harris, he’s amazing.

   I'm getting into a drunken brawl with the first person that sterotypes Irish.

   You can always tell the Irish.... You just can't tell'm much!

   Blow me, I'm German...you can kiss the Irishman later.

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. No mutual friends? I'm not adding you!

   Walk around like a secret agent. Hand cuff yourself to a briefcase and take public transportation. . .

   Hey cars with Jesus fish stickers, I know it doesn’t explicitly say so in the Bible but I’m pretty sure God wants you to use your blinkers.

   British airways had a plane turn around because of a smelly poop. I need help turning that into a joke

   My Life Isn't American Idol, So Quit Trying To Judge Me!!!

   Who else does this? 1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. starts brushing teeth

   Having your caller ID blocked is a great way to advertise your personality disorder. -Anonymous

   You can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first

   GM and Chrysler...still made by welfare funds

   Why is it that every time I see a Ford, it's lifted? Well the answer is simple. When a man gets out of his Ford, he doesn't want to get his dress dirty...

   My wife told me I had a great face for radio. That wasn't nice. At least my ex's said nice things about me, they said I was better in bed then most my friends

   Fun relationship game: She demands. You supply.

   "In this jungle are the world's deadliest snakes. Let's go see what they're up to." ~ white folks

   The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.

   Do you think I'll now what's up in "Horny Neighbors 3" without seeing the first 2?