Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was only "premature" in a medical and historical context. It was right on time from my perspective.

   There is so much caffeine and sugar in my system by 8am, that if I conceived your child at that moment you would have to name it Honey-Boo-Boo.

   His plams are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WEBMD: Pancreatic Cancer

   Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that automatically sends an email to your boss after you hit the snoze button for the third time.

   The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.

   I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 married people high five each other because it’s positive.

   Girl: I’ll just have a salad. Waiter: and for you, sir? Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food

   If ever caught in the middle if a kung fu fight, I'm just going to lay down and pretend I was hit by nunchucks.

   This weekend seemed to go a little faster than most. :/

   I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five each other because it’s positive.

   I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five each other because it’s negative.

   As soon as I get finished with this dozen donuts and gallon of chocolate milk, I am going to focus on losing the 20lbs I added this winter

   Adulthood is fun because by the time you're finally old enough to go out whenever you want you're too tired to do it.

   Just ate a half slice of cold pizza abandoned by my kid and wondered for the first time if I really AM Living My Best Life

   Just what is DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME and Why are we saving so much of it? Why can't the time change kick in on a Friday at 4pm?

   THE GENIUS OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME - Your child is Now standing at the bus stop in the dark, and goes to bed while it's still light outside.

   "He's bleeding out!" The physician yells, "Mr. Kool aid man we need to do a transfusion, what's your blood type?" He replies weakly "O-yeah"

   "You'll see!! THEY'LL ALL SEE!!!!" - an optometrist throwing glasses into the screaming crowd from a parade float

   Hopefully Harrison Ford replaced his divot.

   Just got a cheerio stuck between my toes while walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here.