Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that people who are the most vocal about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Ok effff it, I guess I'll go ahead and say it first, "new year new me!"

   If you see your buddy drinking an apple beer, you are required to kick him in his vag.

   Sorry guys, no New Years party this year. Last year I got arrested for punching a guy in the face. When you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.

   Happy New Year Facebook world! Keep the drama coming in 2015. Love it!!

   I would let my daughter date an Edmonton Oiler cause I know they can't score.

   If your a guy and you have sparkles on your face, be sure to stop by Victoria Secrets to pick out a bra and panty set to match your new bling.

   My New Years resolution is simple.... Remember to write 2015 instead of 2014.

   i'm hoping I don't wake up naked in my neighbours yard again this hey years.

   People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow

   Maybe NYPD can use their new found love for back turning, the next time they see a dark skin person doing nothing wrong.

   Now there is a tradition on facebook of all my female friends sending me naked selfies at Midnight ok, Its not me fb insists.

   Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was RIGHT THERE.

   [sees a baby napping] get a job like the rest of us you lazy dwarf

   [In the car on first date] Her: So you're 27 Me: Yup Her: You don't think this is awkward? Me: No why? Hold that thought. Mom turn left here

   how do you even tell your girlfriend you want armpit sex? “babe, there’s this thing, wait, hold on your arm, stop asking what I’m doing”

   " You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot." I meant you and your friends!

   WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling

   How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams

   You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.