Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the wife just woke me up and told me to quit snoring, I said I never snore I just dream I'm a motorcycle. ..

   I find between 27-30 is a great age for men. You're still young enough to date college women...and old enough for their moms.

   Fingering a fat girl is like trying to steal snacks from a vending machine.

   Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

   I'm so British that I stick my pinki out when I masturbate

   The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn

   I thank God for my daughter every day. How else would I know I'm "So stupid".

   Interviewer: Do you have a police record. Me: No, but I do have a couple of their CD's. *gets hired on the spot*

   A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.

   How does a cricket know when his joke bombed?

   I've had so much sex today that this entire post is a lie.

   I think my 6 year old figured out he can get whatever he wants when I'm distracted with Facebook. Anyone know where I can get a pet Ewok?

   Almost 60,000 people from Glastonbury area sign petition asking Glastonbury Festival planners to cancel Kanye West performance. The citizen's petition states "Beyonce would be better"

   If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.

   In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion is like what the heck am I doing here i'm a savannah animal

   Go shawty, it's a green light~50 cent in traffic

   Every day I live in fear or becoming an infomercial person. Yesterday I fumbled a jar of cinnamon and cried for three hours.

   5:spiders 4:snakes 3:serial killers 2:child molesters 1:couples that sit on the same side of the booth

   Me: I'm going to sleep Brain: No Me: Fine, I'll stay up Body: No

   Our relationship with ants is weird. Ants are, like, "Hey, I only want these crumbs, ok?" and we're all, "NO YOU WILL NOT!"