Funny Status Messages

   I don't speak Spanish, but I'm pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"

   So far I'm 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.

   Most people are surprised to find out I am a grandmother, especially my daughters boyfriends.

   Now that she's running for President, US voters should remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky... ... and Monica blew it.

   Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away.

   An employee is a person who wears a tag and idle around seriously.

   A general rule of thumb is, there is almost nothing in my head worthwhile to say it.

   If time is money.... Facebook owes me like...27 billion dollars...

   I put my phone on airplane mode, and Siri asked me if I had ever been in a Turkish prison.

   I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

   I'm mature but only without the apostrophe and space.

   obama removing cuba from state terror list... can he add himself in its place?!?

   Welcome to Celebrity Impersonators Club. Please have a seat. There's plenty of Chers.

   People getting out of prison will probably be on Myspace now saying "Where's everybody at?"

   I have to sit in the passenger seat of a car driven by a 16 yr old with a learner's permit you don't scare me.

   We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.

   If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.

   I wish I could have the days back when I'd tell my best friend "we did it three times last night" and it meant something other than "going to the bathrrom"

   Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

   Opening the wrong kitchen cupboard and drowning in a "Bag for life" tsunami