Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cop: sir, have you been drinking? Me: define sir

   Curb alert! Sabra hummus and Blue Bell ice cream varieties

   Barry Manilow gets married to partner and comes out of the closet..... World rolls eyes and says, "Oh Gee Barry, we had no clue."

   Once you go black your credit goes bad.

   @CauseWereGuys: If you get pulled over for a DUI, you should get 1 chance to beat Rainbow Road on Mario Kart w/o falling off. If you can, you're free to go.

   Birthdays are like boogers, the more you have the harder it is to breathe.

   I dont care who you are, I want your name - Police

   plantar fasciitis is my arch nemesis.

   The NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.

   Yes a few rounds being dumped into your back is above and beyond excessive force. And murder. But once again, it's very simple, if you comply, you don't die... Pants Up Don't Loot!!!

   My Wife is pissed off at me for being such glutton. I think she must be glutton intolerant.

   Once you go black you can never afford to go back

   So Not Paying Your Child Support CAN cost you Your Life!

   Comcast complains to the better business bureau....isn't it ironic....don't ya think?

   I am gluten intolerance intolerant. I can't stand hearing people talk about their gluten intolerance.

   Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don't want to hear about it.

   If we have learned anything lately, it's to never run from a lazy cop.

   Wild horses could drag me away from anything. They're wild horses. The more important question is: who tied me to these wild horses?

   Every superhero has a secret identity except Aquaman because no one cares he's Aquaman

   Just overheard someone say they need an "escape goat" for their project & I can't decide if they're a complete idiot or an evil genius.