Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I'm wondering why life keeps teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn...

   If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

   I got a mosquito bite last night... Bet that little guy is pretty hungover today.

   I like messing with Texas by calling random numbers in Houston and telling them we've have a problem.

   I'm only on here for entertainment. Please don't try and make me learn anything.

   I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt. Undoubtedly, all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony.

   "What's that!! An earthquake?" "YES!! RUN!!!" "OMG, WAIT" *runs to the computer and writes on Facebook* EARTHQUAAAAAAAKE!!!

   Give peace a chance. Move to a new town and don't tell your relatives.

   As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead, he jaughed. You know he's been there before.

   I don't know if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

   Worrying is like a rocking chair. It keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.

   I really hate people who breathe too hard... I can hear you breathing and that is a problem.

   Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

   Speed bumps should be called slow-down bumps. (I tells it like I see it.)

   I'm not perfect, but I'm better than your ex and gonna be better than your next.

   I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.

   I would like the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a bottle of Jack Daniels as a backup plan.

   Quitting Facebook is the new, adult version of running away from home. We all know you're doing it for attention and we all know that you'll be back.

   When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is..." I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that.

   After all the years of using condoms, it was only today I realized what the little bit on the end is really for... It's to put your foot on, to get the tight ba$tard off! Or maybe that's just me?