Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1628 of 6384
Tiger had to withdraw because he couldn't activate his glutes. Hopefully he can still activate Lindsey's glutes.
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02-05-2015 23:37
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Liking your own Facebook status is kind of like high fiving yourself after a fap. Please stop it!
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02-05-2015 21:51 by John Y
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. My heating bill is out of control and there's a family of raccoons living in my kitchen. Please God, this needs to stop.
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02-05-2015 20:00
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Whitney Houston found dead in the tub, her daughter found unresponsive in a bathtub, maybe that family should start taking showers.
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02-05-2015 17:44 by DeeX
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Nobody in the office seems very impressed that I'm wearing Pull-Ups, despite my insistence that they are "big boy" diapers.
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02-05-2015 16:40
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The tooth fairy but for broken hearts and she leaves a cat under your pillow.
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02-05-2015 13:45
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definition of work: activities carried out to maximize the time between two tantrums from my boss!
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02-05-2015 12:00 by ARM
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once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever cared about you all along
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02-05-2015 10:03
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why is it that when a girl wears only a t-shirt to bed it's cute and sexy, but when I do it I'm some kind of weird, creepy, pervert?
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02-05-2015 09:15
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I think it's logical to hate the player, without players there would be no game and I would have a date for Friday night
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02-05-2015 09:11
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Wouldn't the halftime show have been better if the sharks had frickin' laser beams attached to their heads?
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02-05-2015 07:36 by cpaman
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I woke up this morning and said to my wife 'that was amazing last night, we're you faking it?' , 'No' she replied 'I really was asleep!'
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02-05-2015 06:34
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I don't just burn the bridge, I destroy the road its built on too.
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02-04-2015 22:22
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I am more likely to answer a call of nature than your call.
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02-04-2015 22:19
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Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
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02-04-2015 21:59 by BOOYA
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What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
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02-04-2015 19:42
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Just got back from a third world country - I got my box full of Seattle Seahawks 49th Superbowl champions shirt suckers...
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02-04-2015 19:12 by smeebert
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When asked about ISIS yesterday, Obama said, "We will double our efforts..." Hmmm... If my math is correct... Nothing x Nothing is still Nothing!
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02-04-2015 18:14
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