Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Former Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez found guilty of 1st degree murder. Where he's going, I wonder if he'll stick with tight end or switch to receiver?

   Based on the obnoxious, drunk girl laughter coming from the car in front of me at the drive-thru, pretty sure that guy gets laid tonight.

   Relationship Status: Trying to get my cat to cooperate so I can make a Vine.

   I parked next to a Prius today.... well, on top of one, but same thing.

   Hernandez just found guilty ..he wont be getting 40 million for that tight end ever again ...

   I love it when I open the dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat .

   Its almost summer and you know what that means!!!!! Time to find a phone cord long enough to reach my front porch.

   I don't speak Spanish, but I'm pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"

   So far I'm 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.

   Most people are surprised to find out I am a grandmother, especially my daughters boyfriends.

   Now that she's running for President, US voters should remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky... ... and Monica blew it.

   Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away.

   An employee is a person who wears a tag and idle around seriously.

   A general rule of thumb is, there is almost nothing in my head worthwhile to say it.

   If time is money.... Facebook owes me like...27 billion dollars...

   I put my phone on airplane mode, and Siri asked me if I had ever been in a Turkish prison.

   I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

   I'm mature but only without the apostrophe and space.

   obama removing cuba from state terror list... can he add himself in its place?!?

   Welcome to Celebrity Impersonators Club. Please have a seat. There's plenty of Chers.