Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Zuckerberg claims he wears a gray t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things tht don't matter. BTW, he created Facebook.

   Just texted my wife "goodnight sweetheart, I love you" but accidentaly sent it to my boss, which is awkward because he likes to hold my hand in meetings.

   I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.

   To be fair, a dogs butthole might taste fantastic and we've been judging them wrong all these years.

   I'm at my most badass when I'm popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.

   The brighter colord vegetables you buy, the more festive they look in your garbage when you throw them away 2 weeks later.

   FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".

   Watching Sam Smith win all those Grammy's really reminded me of how much I like Tom Petty.

   Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see this.

   The Grammys would be awesome if it was actually about celebrating the best artists in the country. Instead it is just about which ones get the most corporate sponsorship and sound the most generic.

   Obama needs a grammy for those gas prices

   If robbers broke into my house looking for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.

   just discovered my other mail folder, I didnt realise I was so popular with the ladies telling me how amazing and fantastic I am.

   Whenever the brain and the heart fight it's always the liver that suffers.

   My plans on having a long extended vacation were dashed last night when my lottery tickets didn't hit....:( So its off to work I go tomorrow!

   It's always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing domino's"

   Does Bruce Jenner qualify as a female driver?

   If Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles had a boy band it would be called "what direction"

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally... just that I'm at the liquor store.

   My emotional status hinges on how long I have to wait to eat again.