Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you are at a 50 shades of grey movie when instead of handing out 3d glasses they hand out condoms

   Only 11 minutes of Shade? Save money and go rent Basic Instinct with Sharon Stone instead!

   Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing

   Omg!!! She said YES!!!! Best Valentine's Day ever!!! Can't believe it!!! She agreed to just order pizza & watch TV on 14th February!!!

   My future wife is probably lying in bed right now texting her man about how they’re gonna be together forever. I think not, see you in five years sweetheart

   NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.

   I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.

   if my girl drops $50 while we're walking, then it's her lucky day because I'm picking it up and i'm going to be a great boyfriend and buy her lunch.....

   Stop complaining about being single on Valentine's Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald's doesn't serve breakfast after 10.30

   congratulations to Brian Williams on winning the Powerball

   I told my boyfriend he needs professional help. He hired a prostitute.... well played.

   I am Dad!!! Hear me sigh loudly as I turn off every light in the house. Again.

   What do you mean, "I need space". Are you okay? Do you need me to come over there and give you some space?

   In dog beers, I've only had 1

   People who know me well know that I like to think outside the box. Mostly because I'm claustrophobic and can't concentrate when I am stuck inside a box and overwhelmed with panic.

   I hope NBC replaces Brian Williams with Ron Burgandy.

   Why didn't Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

   A couple got married at a Mental Institution recently ..kind of crazy?

   If I win the Powerball, I'm gonna buy Bruce Jenner and turn him back into a man. Just for fun.

   Bruce Jenner was a man for the past 65 years and didn't have one car accident... all of the sudden he turns into a woman and he can't drive anymore and kills someone. I'm not saying women can't drive... but... just saying