Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I skipped the part of life where I was supposed to learn how to get rich.

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

   Don't think I can't feel you removing my Crocs and jorts with your eyes, Phyllis?

   But if I go out tonight, who is going to stick their finger in the cat's mouth and ruin his yawns?

   A woman will date a guy who isn’t exactly what she likes in the hope of changing him into what she likes. How about just dating a guy who is exactly what you like and save everyone else the drama?

   Ladies, instead of trying to change every guy you date, how about you just change your own fcuking expectations??

   Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing, to let me know when I am wrong.

   It's weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.

   Hot women are in one of two categories: They're bat$hit crazy or they have the herp...

   those E-cigarettes plug into USB so when they run out of their fluid & get empty have they been "formatted"?

   Wait?? The NSA's "Facial Recognition" software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending maching at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner?

   I don't think you're supposed to use the pressure treated lumber to plank your BBQ salmon,,, but girl, your trailer looks nice

   If Spiderman really got bit by an actual spider, how come he don't shoot webs out his butt like a real spider?

   Kid: How come dinosaurs are extinct? Me: Because Noah put two gay dinosaurs on his ark.

   Bruce Jenner comes out as a transgender Republican and trolls on both sides suddenly don't know how to direct their hate.

   Listen,,, Anything can be cereal, if you have enough milk.

   what if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside

   [first date] her: so, tell me about yourself! me: well, I'm not good with dates her: but you're doing fine! me: christmas is on september 3rd

   Listen buddy I don't come down to the Being A Stupid Piece Of Sh*t Factory and tell you how to do your job