Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I've learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven't figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.

   50 Shades Of Grey Has This Awesome Fantasy About Some Girl Who Gets A Job Right Out Of College.

   A group of children is called a "Mucus"

   A special place in hell just for me? Aww you shouldn't have.

   Any girls out there wanna duck?

   One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.

   People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.

   I wish I loved anything as much as fat chicks love to tell people that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12.

   sticking my head in the freezer to warm up!

   Judging by these FB & T witter quotes attributed to her, Marilyn Monroe sure got smart four decades after she died.

   Hot singles in your area want to go through your trash. Never mind these are raccoons

   Hamsters seem pretty dumb when they run in their wheel, don't they. *scroll* *scroll* *scroll* *pause* *scroll* *scroll* *pause*

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off" ~ The last thing a lobster thinks.

   Presidents Day was a whole lot more fun back before the Great Election of 2008

   Do you think our dogs ever get upset that we never lick them back?

   shout out to the hotel maids who have to change the sheets on february 15

   Just picked some lettuce out a sandwich and then added a cheese slice. If anyone wants the recipe, let me know.

   Hey guys walking the dog with a plastic bag of its $hit. How does it feel being third in command in your own house?

   Single Awareness Day ..... it's a S.A.D. day

   So you guys heard about this MySpace thing?