SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I might care about Twilight if Count Chocula was in it...

   Not to brag, but I come from Old Poverty.

   HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.

   I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

   Well.... If this snow fall is the weathermans idea of 7 inches- I bet his wife is a very disappointed woman................

   After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know all sales don't have to be final.

   Ugh, the most annoying family just sat next to me on this plane. I live with them and now I have to sit with them for 5 hours?

   If I were Obama, I'd totally lead with "My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless."

   Found a Capri cigarette in my son's room and now I don't know what to be most upset about.

   Reincarnation, evolution, whatever. At some point, Larry King was a possum.

   Sometimes I like to walk into Whole Foods and yell "hey, that Subaru is being towed" just to see how fast it empties out the store...

   Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

   The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs.

   Great, now Ray Lewis has killed more people AND won more Super Bowl rings than me. :(

   I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.

   Punxsutawney Phil did not see Manti Te'o's girlfriend either today.

   Lindsay Lohan's personal chef is just a piñata full of cocaine.

   You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

   The most embarrassing thing for Lance Armstrong is admitting he took performance-enhancing drugs to ride around on a children's toy.

   I once dated a girl with a parot, the thing was crazy and never shut up, the parot was cool though....