Huck Funny Status Messages

   I believe in love at first sight, and love at last call.

   I wonder if there is a secret feud between rocket scientists and brain surgeons.

   If my job was to make health questionnaires, I'd slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"

   The most fascinating thing I remember from my childhood is the amount of people Coolio fit into his trunk that day he went on a Fantastic Voyage.

   Interest in the Bermuda Triangle disappeared. Seems suspicious.

   What if we found out that there's no such thing as Federal Bikini Inspectors and those guys in the t-shirts are con-men?

   PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

   I don't go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I'm dying to pee.

   Do you think in China the forklifts are called chopstick lifts?

   Seemed to cruel to get my dog fixed. So instead I got him a really crappy haircut. And now he can't even get a date.

   I just got done doing 5 sets of diddly squats.

   WHAT IF PEOPLE USED CAPS LOCK FOR EVERYTHING THEN USED LOWERCASE FOR EMPHASIS, THAT WOULD BE really weird

   I just lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that

   I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions

   Why don't we throw the world's garbage in quicksand?

   Want to end road rage? Put manual windows in every car. By the time you're done rolling down your window to yell, you're too tired to be mad

   I'm reading the ingredients on a can of dog food, and I'm shocked to see that 17% of it is "kids' homework".

   I've never once jumped into a taxi and yelled, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Life is disappointing and movies are liars.

   FACT: One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   "I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons