Aaron Funny Status Messages

   As my car slowly filled with water, the last thing I would hear was the calm measured voice of my GPS, "Recalculating route."

   Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   Mario Kart is more fun if you imagine everyone's fleeing the scene of a brutal homicide.

   The days of good grammar has went.

   Yes, I'm aware I can't fly, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try if my chute doesn't open.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was a toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   Nothing says "I've made poor life decisions" like a couch in your front yard.

   The supreme court is just like regular court but with sour cream.

   How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records" and "shallow grave."

   It suddenly dawns on me, I'm gonna have to punch my way out of this nursing home.

   I raise the bar when it comes to lowering standards.

   The Karma cafe has no menus. You get served what you deserve.

   A cat jumps into a cab and yells, “Follow that red dot!”

   it illegal to put "avenge my death" in your will

   Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.

   found a squirrel trapped in a birdfeeder and can't help but feel like I should leave it in there a few hours to think about what he has done

   I thought Angry Birds was what I get from other drivers.

   14-year old Becky writes "Stop wars" as her Facebook status. It gets nine "likes", all from world leaders. Peace reigns forever. She did it.

   I'd love to make money at home in my spare time. But counterfeiting is harder than you'd think.