Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to make lists. I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while I'm in the store.

   Well, it's July and almost 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now!

   So you unfollowed me on Facebook. You sure showed me.

   Women are caring, nurturing, beautiful, sympathetic and loyal. They're also big toddlers who have the demands of three year olds.

   Kissing someone while they are asleep is one of the purest displays of love...unless you're in prison.

   Today I asked SIRI to recommend an apple product I can afford. She replied Apple Juice.

   How did Jesus find guys named: Peter, John, James, Matthew, Andrew, Phillip, Thomas, and Simon in the Middle East?

   I still miss that part of 2020 when it was illegal for people to come near me

   How to blow a blind date: Look at the menu, make your eyes huge and say, "I think I'll just have some water."

   Ive never seen a Dragon with fruit on it... I think its a scam by" big fruit " to get more $$$

   I don't know why hetero guys my age are so down on gays. Most of their wives look like men anyway.

   Memorizing pot hole locations is a must where I'm from.

   With all the bioengineering going on, why don't they cross egg-laying chickens with dairy cows? It'd save a step when making French toast.

   People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per day.

   You know, if you name your kid Jeeves. You've pretty much mapped out his career.

   Q. What as 8 legs, bites, and lives in your butthole? A. A Brown Recluse spider.

   After A Heavy Night Of Drinking, I Took A Bus Home. That Might Not Be A Big Deal To Some Of You, But It Was The First Time I'd Driven One.

   Marriage tip: When your wife asks what's on TV, do not say dust.

   make me a discord status for my friends ex. they did a lot of bad stuff like hurting people and wanting e-sex

   I've been so busy these last few days that I haven't had any time to study quantum physics. I just can't be everywhere at once.