Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will take scientific advice from the pope when he takes religious advice from Stephen Hawking.

   Have you ever wonder if Donald Trump parts his pubic hair the same way? You will now.

   Sorry I replaced your pepper-spray with silly-string but you gotta admit the surprised look on that mugger's face was priceless...

   Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.

   The inventor of the condom died today. Attendees of the funeral described it as "safe, but less enjoyable than other funerals."

   I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn't reach the toilet paper.

   Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh...

   No more Game of Thrones for my husband. Every time I eat a donut he follows me around the house saying "Shame. Shame. Shame."

   In the wild of Alaska, large packs of Discovery Channel cameramen can be spotted drinking from the lakes that thaw out in the summer months.

   Did the shooting happen at westboro baptist church by any chance?

   I bet if Trump did get elected, he'd be able to comb over some of the financial problems we face.

   Somewhere out there there's a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you could breathe. I think some f you owe it an apology.

   Lets not judge a whole race by the actions of one mad man. Race generalization must stop.

   It's hard to find a good air guitar these days.

   I've decided I am a velociraptor trapped in a white man's body. I can't fight this feeling anymore, and have decided to get the surgery and have the killing claws implanted on my feet. I am trans-species, and I WILL win ESPN's Courage Award next year!!!

   Tropical storm Bill sucked so bad they've officially renamed it Tropical Storm Monica...

   I'm not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

   Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text

   [writing my first autopsy report].. There was a slight mix-up initially but as it turned out, this guy actually died from an accidental autopsy

   Day 44 without eating an apple,,,, doctors are following me everywhere. the police are powerless to intervene.