Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be careful,,, A vetrinary receptionist has the power to know everyone's password.

   I just shouted at a guy driving aSmartCar..... and I think I totaled it.

   I still think I'm in my 20s sometimes...until I try to do something like I'm in my 20s.

   "WTH, I can't seem to parallel park anymore" - Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner

   Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner said that the wierdest thing about transforming into a woman is that he still likes watching football but he no longer really understands it.

   Your selfie needs more paper bag.

   wonders which black athlete or rapper Caitlyn will end up dating? ♠️

   Faffing: The excessive use of time for nonsense activities....Faffometer: A device or means for measuring the amount of time spent faffing around (as I am doing when writing this entry)

   First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"

   So, I wonder if Jerry Sandusky has room in his cell for Dennis Hastert?

   National Doughnut Day - My Holey Day

   Blowing a tranny means something completely different to an auto mechanic.

   started calling my truck Caitlin since it started having tranny problems

   Sorry boss, can't come in today. National Donut Day is sacred to my people.

   If by "social drinker" you mean I like to drink instead of being social, then yes, I'm a social drinker.

   Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".

   Sequel Idea: Fresh Prince of Bel Aire 2 - A privledged kid from Bel-Aire is sent to live in West Philly to be given a hard dose of reality. Starring Jaden Smith.

   I'm so bad at Candy Crush that I just gave up and ate a bag of M&Ms.

   "Thanks FIFA for making me look like a boy scout!" - Tom Brady

   pro tip: go to men's warehouse. try on a suit. take a selfie. say the suit isnt what you want & give it back. you just got a free picture of you looking good in a nice suit.