Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage

   Know what goes great with vodka? Me.

   "There's strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.

   They say you should never brush your teeth before oral sex. Seems kind of unsanitary doesn't it?

   Lately, more airplane passengers have been killed by intentional acts of pilots than by terrorists...seems to me that the TSA is scrutinizing the wrong people.

   If you're a woman that plans on visiting Halas Hall later this year, I suggest you use the stairs

   It looks like One Direction is headed in another direction

   Dad, what's it like to be in a relationship? Well son, remember how I taught you chess? Where the King can only move one space but the Queen can go anywhere she wants?

   I think winners should aspire to gather more than just a chicken dinner.

   I could spend the day with you but there's not enough room in my trunk.

   Next Season on Survivor: Sixteen Congressmen try to hold down jobs in the private sector.

   I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

   People who always have an answer for everything and will never say "I don't know", scare the hell out of me

   Saw a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

   Maybe I was born with it. Maybe its Krispy Kreme

   I once ordered a sub so epic that the sandwich artist that made it cut off her ear after putting the cheese on.

   I'm changing my voicemail to say, "Hi mom. Just text me"

   If you drink a Red Bull before 10 am it won't work until you post a pic of it on Facebook with the caption, "Breakfast of Champions"

   Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.

   Vodka: Because showers weren't meant to be taken alone