Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keeping your job is the new raise

   Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don't blame Bruce Jenner at all...

   I love when people comment on my winter weather from warm climates... "It's 80 here" and your inside on the Internet? Losers always lose

   It's always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the best time to do it.

   It's like my daddy used to always say, "GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND LET SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A TURN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE ANYWAY?"

   My first attempt as body piercing was the time I tried to squat with spurs on.

   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

   Don't walk in front of me, I may not lead. Don't walk behind me, I may not follow, Don't walk beside me either. Just get the hell away from me. Creep!

   A friend in need is a friend in NOPE

   According to my bloodshot eyes I'm not approachable today

   Tell me I drink too much so I can drink about that too.

   “Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

   I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean seriously, it's not like he needed them or anything.

   Before you judge a man, walk a mile in their shoes; and then judge them.

   My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

   Everyday I see some stupid comment on a mutual friends page and I am forced to add another name to my block list. . .

   the boss keeps talking about a company 401 k ..... I don't think I can run that far

   I think Pokerstars and Adobe are in a race to see which one can have more software updates per year.

   Money saving tip - Drink at home. You're welcome

   Some people should not have been given the ability to talk and breathe at the same time