Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm not a competitive eater unless someone orders French fries,, "for the table."

   Apparently,,, hospital bed pans are only for the patients??

   Even though it will mean the loss of 1-2 inches in height, some of you should seriously consider the Ped Egg..

   8.Excuse me, miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there...

   This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth.. She's down to the final 4.

   There's now a Taco Bell taco with a shell made out of Doritos?,, Hmmm, It seems that our junk foods have started hunting each other.

   I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.

   Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.

   I think I'm gonna like "The Lorax" because it's the only movie that I can say... "I already read the book"

   I've just finished designing a new line of T-shirts,,,, The T-shirts were first tested on animals.........they didn't fit

   There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are four,, and they're all horrible.. Can we not talk about this?

   Thirty five people died from eating cantaloupe in Jan. And that,, right there, should be this years new slogan for Krispy Kreme.

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no one's eating fish ever again.

   I think Web MD is like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book where the ending is always cancer.

   Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that.. Anyway, I'll cut this short cause,, I gotta go poop.

   I just read a list of “100 things to do before you die”. And, I've got to say,, I'm pretty surprised that “yell for help” wasn't one of them.

   I just saw what looked like a menstruating raccoon "Planking" while a crow scratched her back,,,, How cute!! I should take a picture..

   My wife dropped her purse and now my balls hurt.

   I no longer wish to share this nation's roads and highways with others.. Sorry for your inconvenience.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times,, and you are a weather man.