Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Ironically, after their one hit,,, Chumbawumba got knocked down and never got back up again.

   For softer cookies,,, skip the baking part and just eat the dough.

   I think someone used my toothbrush to scrub the toilet because my toilet tastes like toothpaste

   Pull up to the gas pump,,tanks on the wrong side.. Did a u-ie,,Tanks still on the wrong side... I quietly got back in my car and left.

   Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.

   Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?

   When my chatty mom trails me around the store, I fill my cart with condoms, KY, duct tape, rubber gloves, and tequila, singing "Whip It".

   "Undecided Voters" are the same people who also slow down the line at McDonald's.

   I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   Good news is,, I got the giraffe to fit in the catapult.. Now who wants to light it on fire?

   For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the eye they want me to look at when we're talking... I keep switching back and forth..

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life? Well then by MY calculations,, I died in 1853

   I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die

   It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"

   I just misspelled a word so badly,, that autocorrect shut my phone off and gave me explosive diarrhea.

   Accidental death from an overdose of laxatives would be... (remove your shades) ...a shi**y way to die.

   If it wasn't for diarrhea,,, I'd have no rhea at all...

   Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.

   I just went to this restauraunt on the moon.... The food was great but there was like, no atmosphere.. No really,, It took my breath away

   I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.