Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1553 of 6384
Two year olds today can unlock an iphone, open and close apps all by themselves... When I was that age, I was eating dirt
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04-30-2015 23:54 by srpdrzman
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Seeing eye Pit Bulls. They're for rough neighborhoods.
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04-30-2015 16:22 by Timk
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Everyone on my Facebook is going for Mayweather or pacquiao, I'm going for the Baltimore mom!
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04-30-2015 15:05 by Rollen
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In 40 years we will think of words like "swag" "cray" and "totes" like we do now with "golly" "darn tootin" and "gee whiz."
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04-30-2015 14:21
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Although no words have been spoken, I'm pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.
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04-30-2015 14:13 by Nipper
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Hey Baltimore, eat a Snickers. You get all Ferguson when you're hungry.
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04-30-2015 13:48
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"He has it all and doesn't even realize it", I whisper, glaring at the guy working at Dunkin Donuts.
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04-30-2015 13:40
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My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.
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04-30-2015 13:35 by Czovczov
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Obama did not get Osama, the CIA and NavySeals did. That's all you got? FAIL!
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04-30-2015 12:52
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Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.
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04-30-2015 12:21
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I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an “I Heart Murder” t-shirt before I’d pick up a call from a blocked number.
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04-30-2015 12:20
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And that concludes the end of the presentation. Any questions? "Um yes. Hi. Since I stayed awake the whole time can I have a raise?"
My superpower is saying "you too" after the waitress giving me my food says "enjoy your meal."
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04-30-2015 12:09 by flinnie
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france, you couldn't b more a dįčk. Banning little girls from school for dressing modest. There is a special place in hêl1 for you
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04-30-2015 11:02
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If I was an Italian comedian, I'd change my name to Bada Bing.
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04-30-2015 09:17
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If I was rich and Asian, there's a 100% chance I'd change my name to Cha Ching.
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04-30-2015 09:16
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I just checked my wife's pulse. She's still crazy.
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04-30-2015 08:26
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When my son was a teen and bragged how he came out of his mother, I reminded him that he came out of me first.
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04-30-2015 06:40
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[on a first date]... Me: So do you like puppies?... Her: Oh I love them... Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies... Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
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04-30-2015 02:37 by snotty
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What?! "Only a person with a drug problem will get mad at you for trying to hand them a hamburger instead of the money they ask you for to buy a hamburger."? I don't believe they have an elephant's stomach.
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04-29-2015 22:37
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