Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took my son to soccer practice for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of moms pulling up in 4x4's I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading." Then I saw them trying to park.

   Police ordered me to get out of my car 'You're staggering' said the officer .'you're not a bad looking f*cker yourself' I replied

   I'd last 34 seconds also with Ronda rousey

   Always be yourself. Even if you have to fake it.

   Relationship status - Ronda Rousey

   When does the rioting start in Memphis? Oh wait black guy killed a white cop. Nevermind

   Dear Hospital this chicken broth would be much better if it had noodles, corn and chicken in it.

   Happy Friendship day.. is much like.. Happy Friendzone day!

   There's a dentist in Minnesota that kills lions and bears. There's a football team in Minnesota that can't beat lions or bears.

   When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.

   If you sit on your hand till it falls asleep and then like your own jokes,, it feels like someone else is doing it.

   (ordering cake on the phone)... BAKERY: And what would you like the cake to say?... (holds hand over phone)... Honey, did we want a talking cake???

   Yes I'm still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"

   It's okay password, I'm insecure too.

   I haven't heard a single zebra complain about that lion getting shot.

   it too late to say hakuna matata to that lion?

   I just sneezed while taking a piss and now I have to move.

   You guys ever YOLO so hard your Hyundai gets repossessed?

   I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

   The Detroit Lions have been getting killed for years and no one is protesting!!