Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet everything thing you eat and drink at Donald Trump's house has a hair in it.

   "I fear no man," I whisper, trembling before a group of women.

   Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...

   Out of all the lies I've told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.

   I dance like people wish they weren't watching.

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I mean EVERY TIME! It's freakish and it can't really be safe.

   If you look closely at my 13.1 sticker, you can see a tiny asterisk leading to another sticker that says " *ft."

   Finally woke up before the birds, gonna go scream at them.

   Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.

   Pretty sure you could "pull life support" from me just by turning off the a/c

   The devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Unless the devil you know is Steve "Goat Hooves" Kapinski. That guy's the worst.

   I hate when people don't know where "to" put quotation marks.

   Being a baby seems fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours. That seems fun

   People are really judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

   I have no idea what swag is, but I'm fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.

   If you've ever seen a foal being born then you pretty much know what it looks like to watch me get out of a beach chair.

   While you're out partying, I'm playing Connect Four with Thin Mints, by myself. Who's the loser now? Not me I've won 5 sleeves times in a row.

   Here is my panic room. Over there is my slightly anxious room, and next to the foyer is my complete mental breakdown room.

   Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta

   Was asked to join the Optimist Club the other day but I just had this feeling that no good would come of it.