Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instead of buying all my kids' school supplies, I just bought a Staples store. Saved like four grand.

   Me and my girlfriend, ,, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

   Co-workers not loving my Lenny Kravitz impersonation.

   Ronda Rousy has challenged Bill Cosby to see who can knock out a woman faster.

   I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.

   Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

   A lot of capes at the hair salon. Hard to tell who's a superhero and who's not

   There is never just one reality, we each have our own version.

   I posed nude for an artist. He wore sunglasses and left the lights off.

   I wish I can stay in my present bad mood until the end of America's presidential election; that way, I can decide who is the better candidate.

   These days I think it would be more shocking if Bert and Ernie had split.

   Kermit isn't getting porked tonight.

   Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

   It's been a exhausting day pretending that I worked so hard.

   looks like Kermit the frog won't be "bringing home the bacon" anymore...

   How sad Amy Schumer broke up with Kermit the frog.

   A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless".

   "If olive oil comes from crushing olives, does baby oil come from Planed Parenthood?

   As far as being a white man, this is the worse century to be born in. Our kids will be slaves in the next 100 years.

   This world is getting so uptight!!... Buck Owens once had a tiger by the tail and nobody batted an eye!!