Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.

   Its okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either.

   They tell me that exercise makes you look and feel better about yourself, to them I say, "So does alcohol"

   I wonder if spiders get as pissed off as I do when I walk through their webs.

   I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"

   A guide dog joke? I didn't see that coming.....

   If you're quiet enough you don't even have to ask for permission before petting a guide dog

   Don't worry about walking a mile in my shoes. Just try spending a day thinking in my head.

   If I was in Mad Max I would be the guy who can't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers off.

   I got injured by a bull in Pamplona one time. It wasn't bad. He just grazed me.

   The grapes of wrath is a fun way to describe a pissed off woman who's drunk on wine

   I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don't go."

   I'm not drunk, I just feel better.

   Want to know the best way to make friends? Tell a woman you love her and she will say "I think we're just friends"

   I've been single for so long, I'm this close to buying more cats.

   If you had a good time, the best time of your life and you don't post it on social media, did it really happen?

   I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

   Its like my liver has no idea what's about to happen.

   RoGhetto Stone is fo da hood, yo.

   Girl just told me her roommate sits around watching Netflix all day and never goes out and now I kinda want to meet her