Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how long does it take possums to realize when one of them are actually dead?

   If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he's going to be Taken 4: Granted

   And BTW,,, I'm only two microwaves away from opening my own Applebees.

   If a bee manages to stay alive after it stings you, it's a zom-bee.

   A Coffee so strong,,, you make it more than halfway across the White House lawn before anyone even sees you.

   PRO TIP: Add 2 drops of lemon juice to your goldfish's water every time you change it, and you won't even have to season them before cooking.

   Lipstick shade idea: Netflix Red

   Does the name “Quasimodo” ring a bell?

   KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will bring Americans together today, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner....

   A new report says that 80 percent of sunscreens either don't work or have questionable ingredients. In a related story, I don't have long to live...

   I Got 99 Problems, But Bailing Out Baltimore & Ferguson Protesters Ain't One

   If seeing boobs while drinking beer doesn't put a curb to mid-day shoot outs, I've lost all faith in humanity

   Mexico is like America's basement; yea, it's a little dirtier, but it's a lot more fun.

   Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.

   My shirt has two button-down options: Uptight golf dude, or disco chest hair.

   Don't screw up your life; that's your family's job

   Ladies, the whole "Prince charming" thing doesn't exist. Settle for the guy who knows the difference between "You're" & "Your"

   I'll try not to post any Bruce Jenner jokes, she has enough problems trying to find size 13 double wide pumps

   Signed my kid up for Karate lessons 3 months ago and he still hasn't waxed my car once.

   "Hotel California" is really just a bad Yelp review with a 2 minute guitar solo.