Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1531 of 6384
My Girlfriends good traits: Young, gorgeous, adverterous in bed, and has a dragon. Her bad traits: She's not real, but I can look past that becuase she has a dragon.
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05-22-2015 09:34
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That's odd, my FitBit just told me I met my daily goal of 10,000 steps, but all I've done all day is sit on the couch and watch porn.
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05-22-2015 09:33
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Reminiscing of the days when "Daddy drinks because you cry" was just sarcasm
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05-22-2015 09:32
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Are you sure your relationship is "complication" and you're not just sleeping with too many people?
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05-22-2015 09:31
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Sorry fro all teh typos. Whne it comse to texting, I'm all thumbs.
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05-22-2015 08:47
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I just had salmon, raspberries & pine nuts for supper. Somewhere, out there, a grizzly bear is searching for his soulmate.
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05-22-2015 05:14 by flinnie
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Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
Relationship status: Looking for someone to rub me the wrong way...
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05-21-2015 21:27
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We're weird creatures; we don't tolerate liars and won't tolerate truth either.
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05-21-2015 16:30
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My G.F. has a pair of 'meatloaf' panties. On the front, it says 'I would do anything for love' On the back it says 'but I wont do that.'
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05-21-2015 15:07
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Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.
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05-21-2015 15:05
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I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met Andy's mom's toys.. Especially since they probably have the same names ..
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05-21-2015 15:02
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Why can't my camera take the same picture I see when I look in the mirror?
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05-21-2015 14:33 by Kado
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eating something immediately after brushing your teeth must be part of the things you do during recruitment as a terrorist.
This tampon tastes like I should have asked a couple more questions.
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05-21-2015 12:54
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"Hey Sally, selling seashells directly on the seashore is the dumbest effing business idea ever" ~ Sally's friends probably.
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05-21-2015 12:54
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Not many people know this but the work "Karate" is an old Chinese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball"
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05-21-2015 12:52
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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I'm never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
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05-21-2015 12:51
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Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
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05-21-2015 12:50
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Some of my best wishes have come true by throwing people down a well.
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05-21-2015 11:00
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