Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?

   I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise. And I was right.

   My wife said that to make our relationship work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat...

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   I could talk for hours about how good of a listener I am...

   The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone...

   It's 2015, shouldn't we be calling him Middle Age Rock by now?

   The salesman claimed the shoes were made from alligator, but I knew it was a crock

   I broke my finger today, but on the other hand I'm completely fine

   I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

   You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!

   When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder. They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.

   Would a satisfying sleep be known as a 'snoregasm'?

   I really hurt my back today at the golf course,I fell off of the ball washing machine.

   Every song has a story to tell and to every person that story is different. Even when its the same song except for Sir Mix a Lots Babys Got Back...thay has only one story lol

   "Dad?..." Yes Son?.... "Where do baby horses come from?".... Well, when a mare and a stallion are really in love… "Yes…" …and in a stable relationship…

   If you take a step back and look at the bigger picture,,,, you'll agree it seems to have been photoshopped

   The 3 second rule: Is the time between when you tell me your name,, and when I introduce myself and wonder what you said your name was

   Sorry to break it to you but,,,,, (1) I have high self esteem (2) I don't need your money; and (3) I hate drama....... So.....

   a straight white male walks into a bar. He is chastised because every problem in the world is his fault.