Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones.

   I'm taking up photography because it's the only hobby where I can shoot people and cut off their heads without going to jail.

   Yea, the Duggars. You spit out that many kids, 1 or 2 are bound to be defective.

   Pac Man turned 35 today. Pretty sure he can expect some birthday head from Ms. Pac Man, although I am not sure how that would work.

   I'm a second hand vegetarian... cows eat grass and I eat cows.

   "19 Kids and Counting". The name of a show or the number of kids Josh has fondled? The Catholics would say he isn't even close to becoming a Priest yet.

   Picture us in bed together.... Wrong.... try again, but with more empty bottles.

   No.... I said I CAN keep a secret, not that WILL.

   You guys know you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix, right?

   "Shall we move this to the bedroom?" - Me, to snacks.

   Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.

   This tequila tastes like my ex wants me to text her.

   It's like my dad always says, "Stop calling me. I have another family now."

   My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

   If by "buns of Steele" you mean dented and rusty, then yes I do have buns of Steele

   Whenever I want to lift my spirits, I use a shot of whiskey.

   All of my fantasies involve you and then there's pizza a few times.

   Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

   I'm so glad I was never a cavewoman, I'd have no idea where to hunt for sandwiches.

   When a hipster pissed me off, I don't get mad, I just throw their Fiat on a roof.