Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you urinate in a pair of swim goggles and strap them to your face you won't need Instagram anymore....... next question

   A good way to revoke Bill Cosby's medal of freedom would be to slip him drugs and then take it while he's unconscious...... next question

   A group of mistakes is called a life......... next question

   Why can't we $hit like dogs, I'm tired of wiping my @ss......

   Dear Wasted Drunk girls... We get it. This is your song...

   FYI ladies: I've been to fb jail twice this week. So if you're into bad boys get at me. But not tonight cause I have knitting class.

   What are people asking Meatloaf to do 'for love'?

   Just once I'd like a man to approach me at a bar and say 'come with me if you want to live'.

   A rocket launcher but for all the idiots on the highway.

   My phone just autocorrected "Haha" to "Jaja" so I guess I'm Mexican now.

   Sex so good that she forgets about Dre.

   And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that's where I unfollowed you.

   Thank you Facebook for options like: Block, Unfollow and Turn of chat for only some friends.

   When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

   You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.

   If your new friends calls himself 'The Wizard', there's a good chance he likes Lord of the Rings. If your new friend calls himself, 'The Grand Wizard', time to get a different new friend.

   Starbucks: Sometimes you wanna go where everybody misspells your name.

   -Monday -Tuesday -Wednesday -Thursday -Blink -Monday.

   Secret admirer when you're young. Stalker when you're older.

   I am looking for contributors to the go F#ck yourself foundation I am starting. . .