Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We'll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.

   identifies as a tranzmillionaire. A rich man trapped in a poor man's body. Can we rectify this situation?

   "Sometimes I feel I don't belong here." Me, on planet earth

   It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand...

   You ever felt like a fool, by waving your hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic. Other folks in the rest room think you are a ninja of something....

   99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't like anymore

   My favorite part about being an adult is thinking about how stupid I was as a child for wishing I was an adult.

   I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

   Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

   what you call 10 commandments, I call common sense.

   Remember these 3 things: If you're a man, never take marital advice from Josh Duggar. Ladies, don't accept drinks from Bill Cosby & couples, don't let Jared Fogle babysit your kids.

   Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.

   Her: We need to talk Me: how do you keep getting that duct tape off?

   Commercials for PizzaRolls would be more realistic if they had the kids screaming in agony as they burned their mouths on the cheese filling..

   Some times I just want to control alt delete my life and hit Esc. . .

   Letting your date use your phone charger, even though you're at 25%, is the 21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a puddle.

   Actually, Yes! I do want to see a picture of your Mother-In-Law Eli. Your wife is hot!

   Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!

   Dam it I have to break up with her in person? Isn't there an easier way?" -Alexander Graham Bell, probably.

   If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that's just me flirting