Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife found lipstick in my pocket. I straight up told her I'm cheating. There no way I'm telling her I'm selling Avon.

   Do you really think that people ask George Foreman all the time what to do with their idea for a new invention?

   "What about this? What about this? And this?"--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

   Best Relationship: Talk like best-friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.

   My stupid camera won't stop ringing.

   They have a machine that sees your bones thru your skin. They have a machine that makes your heart beat when it own't. So, why does the Doctor still stick his finger up your butt and wiggle it around to feel your prostate??

   I just got a back tattoo that says "Sorry kids, pay for your own damn college."

   (true story) The neighbor guy stop over to thank me. Every time I'm outside grilling and take my shirt off his wife jumps up and runs outside to "mow the lawn" I thought it was weird that she mowed it twice a week.

   It's raining so much in Texas that the animals are walking around in pairs

   BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

   At air shows in Japan, they have to get new pilots every year.

   First rule of cuddle club, it better lead to sex or you are out of cuddle club.

   Almost went outside without my phone so now I know what it feels like to lose your kids at the mall.

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth, so I get it grils. I get it.

   If violets were orange, poetry would be much more challenging.

   But really, how DO they signal for Batman during the day!?"

   If you're not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.

   Mexican magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos…" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres.

   I think New York has finally been around long enough that we can just start to call it York now.

   Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!