Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry I'm so emotional bro. It came with these skinny jeans and selfie stick.

   I throw small pieces of bread at your duck face selfies

   Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't"

   "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go"

   Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it. Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism"

   "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" -

   "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter"

   "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West"

   By the power vested in me... I now pronounce me going to sleep

   You don't come for me. I send for you.

   I'm not saying you should hire me to be the president of your marketing team, I'm just saying there should be a bar at Toys R Us..

   actually "Deez Nutz" isn't that far away from holding up "the rear" of the pack

   You only live once is the most reassuring thing I've ever heard.

   I wonder if anyone's kids had their first day of school today?

   If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?

   Go ahead, tell a woman she can do whatever she wants, like she wasn't already.

   More coffee, less people please.

   Happy National Waffles day. Waffles are just pancakes with abs!

   It’s so nice outside, I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.

   "Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.