Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do race horses really pee more than the regular kind?

   We don't have to have sex, let's just see if it fits.

   So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?

   "Sorry, her mother is a pterodactyl" ..... *Me with the screeching toddler in the grocery store.

   I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN! - A liver's battle cry

   My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart

   Before Facebook I used to have a life. Now I can't even remember the name of my two... no wait, sorry, three kids.

   The fact that Gordon Ramsay hasn't been gutted yet is all the proof I need to know that his show is staged.

   I've been single so long now I don't remember what it's like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn't even know it did!

   That FIFA 16 is realistic. Mine arrived in a plain brown envelope.

   The campaign to stop male rappers disrespecting women is known as 'Femineminism'.

   Breaking news: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

   Sorry the ice melted in the drink I made for you but I thought you knew how to drink.

   L.A. unions push for 15 dollar an hour minimum wage. Now that it's here, L.A. unions ask the city to exclude union companies from 15 dollar minimum wage... Because the union cares about its workers!!!

   I call my car the "pu$$y wagon" because that's where I go to cry

   "Spring break" ~ Russian mattress repairman.

   The Los Angeles City Council has approved an increase in the minimum wage to 15 dollars an hour. In a related story, all L.A. McDonald’s are replacing their Dollar Menu with a TEN-Dollar Menu.

   All females have 50 screenshoted quotes ready for when the sh*t goes down..

   Someone who unplugs your phone at 3% to charge theirs at 97% is capable of killing you.

   With all the social injustice and government misconduct all over the world at a fever pitch, lets go ahead and focus on deflated footballs and soccer corruption instead.