Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chance of being the correct response when she asks "Notice anything different?" Hair 30% New shoes 25% Lost weight 20% Transitioning 3%..

   When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer...

   If the girl at this fast food drive-thru really wanted to help me she’d tell me why my dad left.

   I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.

   There are 24 singles in your area...*unchecks "Kraft"..... There are 0 singles in your area.

   Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.

   If you need me, I'd be surprised.

   Want to keep your man from cheating on you, give him more BJs and make him more sandwiches and reduce nagging by 100%

   Susan,,, What do you mean, "My a$$ is a flotation device?"

   Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got divorced. He spend 27 years in south african prison getting tortured and beaten everyday for 27 years straight. He got out of jail, was 6 months with wife, and said "i cant take this s#it"

   In Hell, everybody you meet explains how they found Jesus.

   I bet if you look at my cells under a microscope they all have little frowny faces.

   I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.

   Never underestimate a man with a perm.

   A friend posted "If Donald Trumps Wins, America is Doomed." I posted "where have you been the past 6 1/2 years?"

   [WIFE] I'm going to fold your laundry so hard. [ME] You think you can handle one more load? - Laundry Sext

   How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.

   I think the worst fate would be a mime stuck in an actual soundproof invisible box.

   The internet completely changed the way I avoid doing stuff

   The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up