Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

   I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs

   Thought for sure I'd get Vicoden or Percocet, but my optometrist only prescribed reading glasses

   You had me at jello. Oh you said hello. Do you have any jello? No? Why are you doing this to me?

   fell in love on an elevator once and it ended in soul crushing heart break, so, no thanks Aerosmith. No frickin thanks.

   I am strongly opposed to a representational democracy.... AND I VOTE!

   Trying to eat a powdered donut without looking like I just came from Charlie Sheen's house.

   A lot of people say the bible is the greatest story ever told but I've always been partial to Back to the Future.

   LOOK MA! NO CHASER!

   If you see me at a Baskin Robbins and I have 2 gallons of ice cream in front of me and only 1 spoon... Don't ask me how I'm doing !

   still wondering how would you engineer an electrical?

   You know a girl is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.

   Maybe if Kim Davis wasn’t so patently awful to gay people she could find someone to help fix her hair.

   FYI: The opposite of Chevy Chase,,,, is Ford Escape.

   I feel kinda like that guy in Nirvana whom nobody really appreciates. Not Kurt Cobain or Dave Grohl, the other one.

   Canadian rockers Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are separating after 2 years of marriage... which I think is 4.4 after converting from metric...

   “The man who fears losing has already lost.”

   the world is not full of a$$holes but they are strategically placed so you come across several everyday

   Never underestimate the lawyer of a champion

   If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bull crap..