Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says what's the difference between two Johnsons and a joke? Wimmun can't take a joke!

   If she posts 7 new selfies a day, Regardless of how hot she is, Let it go bud. You'll never give the amount of attention required. Science.

   I have to be on antibiotics for the next week for an infection. Meanwhile, my yogurt provides a daily dose of probiotics. Now the antibiotics and probiotics will be waging a 7 day Biotic War for control of my insides.

   Do you guys want to take this a step further and be pen pals?

   She's replying to all my text messages fairly quickly, I guess you can say things are getting pretty serious.

   Single guy "I can't do anything right." Married guy "I can't do anything, right?"

   Anyone going somewhere exciting this weekend to stare at your phone?

   I have 1,635 pictures on my phone of me and all my friends. Just kidding they're memes I stole from the coments

   My trust issues are so bad that I don't even believe people when they use their turn signals.

   Aurora Shooting Trial: James Holmes' ex girlfriend testified at his death sentance hearing? Yep; looks like I will never comit a crime after all.

   "Looks don't matter, just be yourself". - attractive people

   This Wednesday has been humping my leg with it's eyes closed.

   I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.

   Note to men, if you really want to understand how a woman's mind works - imagine a browser with 2687 tabs open.

   Relationship status: ▫️Single ▫️In a relationship ▫️Married ▫️Engaged ▫️Divorced ▪️Waiting for a miracle ✔️

   [Every restaurant ever].... Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?".. Waiter: "Ummm,, Yeah."....Manager: "Good,, Go ask him how his meal is."

   On "Family Feud".... Host: Name something that you can never seem to find the right time to say.... Dad: "You're adopted, Chet!".... *The WHOLE Family claps,, except Chet*

   Ugh,,, You'd think this restless leg syndrome would be exercise enough.

   "FRIGGIN!!!,,,, FRIG!!"... - *Godzilla, after stomping on a Lego store.

   come from a long line of people who ruin things.