Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fall in love? Is that when you like the same pizza toppings as someone else?

   Before I got in a relationship I never even knew it was possible to breathe wrong.

   People who play tough on the Internet are my favorite losers.

   If hearts were made to be broken then so were faces.

   I’m bringing sexy back for a refund.

   I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.

   You should just get a discount if a cashier makes small talk.

   I am calmer than Johnny Depp in a casting audition for a Tim Burton film.

   Got kicked out of the gym for crying again

   *Voted most likely to cause others to say,, "oh here we go"

   I mixed up my toothpaste and Preparation H......now I'm talking $hit but on the bright side, my farts are minty fresh

   Everything I know about sex I learned from internet porn. I hope to one day try buffering.

   Don’t trust everything you see. Even vodka can look like water.

   Every time one of my kids complains that the internet is slow, I feel like I'm not adequately preparing them for the real world...

   Pays bills....... *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity

   Women that watch football are the real MVP.

   Omg!! I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   Who else was scared sh*tless of Unsolved Mysteries when you were little?

   Before I had a kid I thought,,,,, Gosh, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning.

   How many donut holes constitute a serving?... Please say 33. Please say 33..... I mean 34. Please say 34.