Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Leave the horse I rode in on out of this b*tch!

   A recycling firm in Silicon Valley is searching for a woman who dropped off a rare Apple-1 computer that fetched $200,000 at auction. They need the password so they can delete Bono's tracks from it.

   Netflix: The lazy man's answer to a movie date

   Come to think of it The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.

   ....officer plz don't shoot me. I'm white and won't make the news.

   I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...

   Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.

   [news anchor] "Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-" *wife changes channel*

   why don't they have a pill to make girls vag smaller

   I Love the taste of you first thing in the morning. Me *talking to my coffee

   [Wendy and the Burger King having sex] King: You like this? Wendy: I'm loving it! *the Burger King stops* King: What did you just say?

   I go to the gym Because deep down we all know when the aliens come they are going to eat the fat ones first.

   Saw A Lady I have a crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

   Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation..

   Stephanie from Facebook hasn't uploaded another selfie in the past 15 minutes. I hope shes ok!

   Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you're sleeping.

   One of these days, I'm going to tell my girlfriend we're in a relationship.

   OK, who decided to call them iPhone Chargers and not Apple Juice?

   Lebron flashes his pen*s on live TV and all of the sudden all straight guys turn gay and are running to see it

   Not sure what's the bigger ball story of 2015. "Deflate Gate" or "Deflate Cait"?