Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday,, Someone once tried to break into my taxidermy studio,,, but I fought them off with my bear hands.

   FYI,, I'm Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad,,, but not suspicious.

   Nothing motivates me faster to clean my garage than the threat of a hail storm.

   I want to become a Human smuggler and I want my code name to be Mister Smuggleuffigus .

   There are kinds of countries. Those that use the metric system, and those that have walked on the moon

   Fantasy Football starts now. I'm sorry honey. I will talk to you after football season. Love you Jamie wallis

   I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance....by leaving the scene of the accident.

   Our Smart phones are making us Dumb!!

   My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when I was your age..” and then describing what I did 3 days ago

   My thigh gap is reserved for holding french fries while I drive.

   My girlfriend is so sweet, I decided to get another one.

   Nothing describes my love life more than watching a declawed cat trying to scratch the sofa

   I judge the quality of my Facebook posts by how often my name comes up in therapy with your shrink.

   The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of an iPhone is that I can afford the old one.

   We built this city on rock n roll, and BTW,,,,,The streets have no names. The midnight train only goes to Georgia. Every stairway climb to heaven.. *this town is a wreck.

   Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Nickelback song in it.

   All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

   Warning labels on liquor bottles should also include: REGRET.

   My stripper name is: Hold On, My Thong Is On Backwards Again

   Sometimes only carbohydrates can help.