Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The internet completely changed the way I avoid doing stuff

   The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

   AC/DC concerts are where old people like to get together and show off their jean jackets.

   I thought my wife said she was into butt sex...... Turns out she is into everything BUT sex.

   I just figured it out,, Conspiracy theorists are pobably just people who never got over finding out that wrestling was fake.

   Actualy, I'm dying for Trump to make it to the primary so we can see all the horrible things he says about each state he loses in one by one.

   We have a presidential election coming up... And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win.

   China, China, ChinaChinaChina...I know China. <<< Donald Trump!

   *brings vuvuzela to knife fight.......... *gets stabbed by everybody on both sides

   The Olive Garden is bringing back its “Pasta Pass,” which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign.

   A classic model Bentley owned by Keith Richards sold over the weekend for $1.2 million and features a secret compartment for storing drugs. The compartment is called Keith Richards.

   I am claiming everything ever written by Author Unknown !

   If my mom taught me anything, it’s how to day drink.

   I am woman, hear me misinterpret

   Nothing!!!!! ~ Women who are FINE

   Wearing a visor is like trying to get laid with the difficulty setting on expert.

   If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.

   I bought an L shaped couch, the sales rep said it was on sale because the L was lower case. I was ok with that.

   If the range of decrease in Blood Alcohol Content is 10-20 mg% per hour. I should be able to drive my car next Monday.

   I like how Movies will warn you "May not be suitable for all audiences". But what they really need is a "May not be suitable to watch with people who constantly ask questions about movies" rating.