Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Cum with me if you want to Liv" ~ Arnold Schwazenegger having sex with Steven Tyler's daughter

   Dayum girl... Are you a microwave, because you are warming me up and I bet you've had a lot of wieners explode in you.

   My U.S. citizneship was questioned because I wasn't out of breath after walking up a flight of staris.

   If you are having a bad day, just remember that someone from your home town is still trying to become a rapper.

   Some women wear so much makeup that it takes everything I have not to honk their nose.

   When I was your age, I had to walk 5 feet from the coutch to the TV, on fluffy orange carpet, without texting, both ways.

   "I've lost my marbles" ~ Bulimic Bulimic Hippos.

   Star Wars (1977) An epic tale of a pair of gay robots teamed up with incestous siblings to help them destry their father's midlife crisis toy.

   My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml

   No thanks body wraps. If I thought magic would help me lose weight, I'd eat a wizard.

   Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it

   Love comes in all shapes and sizes. A-cup B-cup C-cup D-cup..Coffee cup.

   If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. I might buy one for that reason alone....

   This lady behind me at the store just "beep-beep'd" for me to move out of her way, and this is how murderers are born.

   The statue of liberty turned 140 today. When asked how she feels, miss liberty replied "I'm fine!"

   Donald Trump go home you're drunk.

   I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he's fired ! !

   Oh, come on.. Who among us hasn't checked African American on an application?

   my life coach told me to just let the clock run out!

   i think my inner child really kinda runs the place!