Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Someone who dines in a diner is a diner........... I N C E P T I O N

   Darth Vader: "Here, I made you some toast." ___Luke: "It's a little on the dark side." ___Vader: ".?." ___Luke: "Lol"___ Vader: "Lol"

   Our local Golden Corral "Chocolate Waterfall" was shut down tonight because the drain was clogged up with band aids again...FTW

   Ahh Instagram,,,, Makes me wish I'd thought of cropping pictures into a square and applying Photoshop filters from 1998....

   Time to delete my Instagram account now... Also,, what's Instagram?"

   On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.

   Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed,,, act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaaay better than you.

   I'll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid's acting like a spoiled brat...I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you're not looking.

   Give a man fish, and he'll eat for a day.. Give me fish, and I'll ask for chicken.

   Had a long talk with an alien today, good news; they won't be invading us.. They'll just move to Earth once we're all done killing each other...

   I just got a letter from my boomerang.... It said when I get a decent job and quit the drinking,,,,,,,,,,,,,( well, you know )

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL

   I just peed so hard I laughed a little.

   Earlier today Donald Trump crashed his yacht into my yacht... We laughed & laughed,,,, & then we smoked some money

   The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

   I know it's 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?

   The cool thing about Taco Bell's " 5 buck box " Is that if you time your eating right... As soon as your done, you can turn right around and use the box to make a Mexican " soft serve" in it......... I know,, what a green idea

   Apple cobbler? Uh,, No thanks,,, If I ever want shoes made for my apples,, I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper,,, I'm NOT an idiot..

   I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.