Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police officers say anything you say will be taken down and make be used as evidence .. your answer should always be please officer don't hit me again

   My wife wants to speak with you. You're in deep sh*t.

   This ponytail isn't gonna pull itself... ...are we flirting yet.

   Being a nice person is so exhausting, which is why a$$holes always have so much energy.

   I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.

   If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful

   I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters

   Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

   It used to be called "House Depot" until they filled it with love.

   Water in Mars? Big deal... Call me when they find whiskey or beer.

   This Halloween I'm going as a Jehovah's Witness. I'm going to be handing out some good news.

   Every time a tortilla chip breaks off or falls into the queso, I feel like I'm performing a rescue at sea on The Deadliest Catch.

   Derrick Rose of the Chicago Bulls is out with yet another injury. If this had happened earlier in the week, the Pope could have healed him.

   The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up the orange juice and started selling meth to the condiments.

   Negative people and stupid people should be tape recorded and forced to listen to their own bullsh*t.

   People make counterfeit money, but money also makes counterfeit people.

   Wife: He's not the same man I married. Husband: No, he had a much younger wife.

   told my wife that the doctor put me on a new exercise program that requires me to walk 3 miles a day, she said good next week you'll be 21 miles away...

   This regular old moon is stupid...

   Any room is a panic room if you've had four cups of coffee and a breakfast burrito..