Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Right before I die, I'm getting my hand stamped,,,,, Just in case I wanna come back in again.

   NEWS: Scientists discover that doves can't cry............ Prince stripped of high school diploma.......

   Spelling bees think they're better than the illiterate bees.......... ( Sorry, I'll just let myself out..)

   I wish I had a dollar, for every dollar I don't have.

   We have a very small hen house door,,,So you've probably guessed already...Sorry,, no fat chicks

   You know,,, The first rule of redundancy club, is the first rule of redundancy club.

   Ummm,,, I just tried to make a donation to the "Tourette Syndrome Foundation" in England,,,,, and they told me to Sod off.

   Pizza Hut is selling a pizza with hotdogs in the crust???... Aren't the type of people who order this,, the same people who aren't able to waddle quick enough to answer the door?

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.

   Benadryl -- the $7 babysitter.

   Ever wonder how many of your friends are jerks? Just post something with a typo in it..... It's like their mating call.

   If I ever saw an amputee being hanged,,,,, I'm pretty sure I'd just start yelling out letters

   You see,,, Once you start making Freudian slips, you can't stop,,, it's just one after a mother.

   In order to catch a cab,,,,, one must think like a cab first.

   There's got to be ALOT of pressure on Adele's new boyfriend to treat her like sh*t.

   I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy

   My kids outgoing voicemail message says,," I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."

   You gotta go for personality, guys.... They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,

   If you LOVE something, set it free.. If it comes back to you,,,,you love a boomerang

   "Ahh,,Yes,Yes,,,I can see where you're coming from." - My Urologist,,, He's a kidder,,