lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Ex-president Bush blamed BP for the disaster off the coast of Louisiana. Later he recanted saying "He thought BP stood for Black President."

   I just said hey to Sarah Jessica Parker and she got really excited. She must have thought I meant hay.

   My journey of a thousand miles began with a single step. But I had the wrong shoes on and now i've gone back a few paces.

   Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

   ..is having a threesome with two men tonight : Ben &Jerry. x

   Did you hear about the Chinese parents who gave birth to a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

   will be attending Sleep. Invited By : Mr Sandman.RSVP: Yes. Location: My Bed. Time: Now until 7 Am.

   ..is already missing her time in Palermo. They had sunshine and sexy women. What does the U.K. haue? A week of summer and Susan Boyle.

   I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache." "It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the hell have you started speaking Italian?"

   My friend was too cheap to hire a proper butler. So he ended up with one with no left arm. Serves him right.

   What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male Fraud.

   I bought a pack of biscuits today and on it said "store in a cool place." So I sent them to Samuel Jacksons house.

   ..always finds it tempting to yell "EVERYBODY! DOWN ON THE FLOOR!" when she's waiting in line at her bank.

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten."

   Eight deaths in one year at a Chinese phone manufacturing plant? There's an App for that.

   Crack,meth,heroine. All these drugs should be manufactured by pharmacutical companies. That way,no one could afford them.

   Toothbrush: "Sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world!" Toilet paper " Yeah,right."

   I said to my girlfriend "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My girlfriend is slightly retarded." Oh,what fun I had.

   My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.

   I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.