Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Went by the house where I grew up. I went up to the door, and asked to go in to look around, but they said No, and shut the door in my face... Mom and Dad can be so rude.

   My stuff here is impeccable.. That means it can't be harmed by chickens,, right?

   Could you please put your crying baby on vibrate...?

   I just swiped left on someone based solely on the fact her name was Susan.

   I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.

   Yelp review: got murdered; would not recommend 🌟⭐⭐⭐⭐

   For every slice of cheese I cut for my sandwich, I eat a slice.... I feel like this is what God wants me to do.

   * Me with the Dr. they assigned me in my new HMO... Doctor: Ted, you're dying...... ME: My name's not Ted.... Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.

   I use the men's restroom even though I'm a woman because I identify with waiting on a shorter line.

   At my age,,, I'm not sure I'm up for learning a new microwave.

   DOCTOR: Your leg is broken... ME: So what happens now?.. Doc: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturally... HORSE: [sticks head round curtain]... WHAT?!!

   [At the park].... STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking... ME: Yeah, he's interbred... DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread?

   Well this isn't good,,, I took a nude selfie... And my phone autocorrect replaced it with an image of a silverback mountain gorilla pulling a peanut from its scrotum.

   Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.

   My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"

   My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.

   Rolls down car window... Throws caution to the wind... Goes home,,, Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

   Pro tip: Fall in love with someone who will treat you how Kanye treats Kanye.

   Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?.... Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

   I got kicked out of Subway again for NOT talking on my iPhone when ordering a sandwich