SEAN Funny Status Messages

   The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.

   the wife asked what the white stuff on my peni$, told her it was asprin for her headache and asked if she wanted it orally or suppository..

   I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

   Every single person on a reality TV series is the kind of person you don't want to sit next to in a restaurant.

   The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.

   When I first saw rednecks using the self check out at Wal Mart, it was like seeing velociraptors open doors in Jurassic Park.

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'.

   I like to think of items outside the grocery store as the "Steal it. We don't give a crap anymore" section.

   Willie Nelson is 80! If weed is a gateway drug, it better hurry.

   “It’s over there by the Walgreens” - directions to anywhere

   Feeling sad? Just picture Cee Lo Green climbing a rope.

   Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

   Which Playmate is in charge of sorting Hugh Hefner's pills?......'cause you KNOW that's an all day job....

   FYI- Clear plastic bra straps make you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.

   I'm for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats my wife is worth.

   Good job on the speed traps, cops - How are the murderer traps coming along?

   "I bet you I can get people to buy the shirt from a game they don't even know how to play." -Ralph Lauren

   There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who cant.

   The neighborhood bully fell off his skateboard in front of our house and kids have been ramping their bikes off him all day. I even took a turn.

   Police always seem disappointed when they realize those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old Hersheys Kiss wrappers not drugs.